Of all my cousins—I have lots—the oddest might be James
He collects small mammals that he nails to boards and maims
But my extended family has many more, like Mary
She’s not creepy, only ugly; Mary’s just scary hairy.
John’s branch of the family is known for their extra legs
But John lost his in the war and walks now on three pegs.
Come meet cousin Patricia, but we just call her Pat.
In place of Sunday bonnet, Pat just wears a mangy cat.
Then there’s Uncle Robert, you might call him Uncle Bob
Where most folks keep their nose, he has a large corn cob.
Cousin Linda cleared of all charges; she’s really not a cannibal
While she only consumes animals—the parts she eats are radical.
And my older brother Michael—he shortens it to Mike—
He’s locked up for certain habits that the county shrink dislikes.
Meet my younger sister Barb, call her Barbie if you dare,
She’s fond of sharp things that she hides inside her hair.
If you have not grown irate at my limping scansion yet
If my doggerel hasn’t bored you, and you can ignore the threat.
Come meet my cousins Bill and Dave, meet Jen and Susan too.
Come to dinner, but take my advice—just please, don’t eat the stew.
Any resemblance to real or Addams families is surely not entirely coincidental.